Peter: Mostly Harmless

As some know, I didn't get much done last summer for reasons that are far too boring to go into, so this year I've determined that I'm going to pull my finger out and on with those crappy jobs that pile up around the house.

My plan is to start now, as not only should it mean I have more time later in the year, but also with last years backlog not done I'm way behind already....

Last weekend it kicked off :

I started by fitting a stairgate at the bottom of the stairs. For months we had been using a travel stairgate but this is a pain in the arse as it doesn't mount to the wall, so whenever you release the lock on it , it promptly falls to the floor. This is particularly ideal when carrying a small child under one arm, and a bottle of milk and set of pyjamas in the other. Cue lots of swearing (and being shouted at by Ellie for doing so whilst within 1/4 mile of Ethan) as I try my very best not to fall arse-over-tit and drop the little guy. Also, Ethan was getting a bit too clever and was starting to work out just how to lever it out of the way and I've timed him going up the stairs at around 15 seconds. I suspect coming back down on his head would be quicker though....

This new stairgate is quite different as it looks a lot like a roller blind mounted vertically so you drag it across the stairs and it un-rolls and latches to a catch on the other side. The roller then locks so it can't be rolled further or released without performing some magic thumb, forefinger and middle finger dance on a button on the top. I'll let you know if I ever manage to find the magic combination - it's a bit like a special move in some sort of street-fighter arcade game. For now I fiddle with it a bit, then raise both middle fingers and aim them at the offending thing whilst cursing...See earlier remark re cursing....

(Seriously it's actually quite a neat bit of kit, so i recommend it to anyone with a sprog with suicidal stair tendencies)

Next was a new light fitting for the wall light in the lounge.  For the last 2 years it's tended to flicker and go out whenever something vibrates the wall - such as the RAF practicing strafing runs over the village, which seems to happen every other night.  I presume they are practicing in case we all finally have enough of the threats to close our local post office and go...well...postal...and the government of the day decides Napalm is the only way to stop the marauding pensioners...

Though that would cut the queue on Pension day.....

The final straw was that when performing "The-Dance-Of-The-Thump-Thump" on it to make the light come back on, bits of plastic started to rain down on me. I figured the God Of Crap Bronze Effect Lights was telling me something and called it a day.

Quick trip to B&Q and back and we now have a nice new wall lamp up and running. I'm glossing over the huge lump of plaster (imagine something the size of Michelangelo's "David") that fell out of the wall when I took the old one off. More accurately, I filled it, then Ellie matt-painted over it  before I then screwed the new fitting into it.

As we stood back to admire our handy work, Ellie ever so sweetly noted that 2 years ago we took the old one's ugly twin sister off the wall in the other room and had it shot (it was a mercy killing), and wouldn't it be nice to buy another one and fit it thereby covering the other sodding great whole in the plaster. If only we would have thought of that 2 hours earlier I would have saved myself another trip to B&Q....

Finally I mowed the front and rear lawns whilst Ellie and Ethan cleared up weeds and leaves etc. As we went inside I noted that the front door was squeaking slightly from the hinge, so went and got a tin of oil and oiled the hinges. This didn't solve it however, because the true reason for the squeak was because the door is starting to drop and rubbing on the door frame. Great - another thing to do. Still, i did at least then remember to oil the hinges on the cupboard under the stairs that have been squeaking for longer then Ethan has been alive....

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This weekend saw yet more BIY.

The garage has become a general dumping ground and has been this way since about 4 seconds after the removal men asked "where shall we put all these other boxes?" 3 years ago. So this weekend I went and bought enough timber to personally account for 14.3% percent of the worlds deforestation  and boarded the loft space above the garage. More accurately, I did about 2/3rds of it, and my father in law helped me with the rest, because by then I was holding up Sunday Dinner (and it was roast beef too!)

Only bad moment was heaving myself up onto a newly finished section then watching the A-Frame ladder start swaying from side to side looking a lot like it was going to fall over and leave me 10 feet above a concrete floor with no way down. Luckily, the God Of Bodging smiled upon me as it caught on a beam and stayed upright allowing me to get down. Otherwise I'd probably still be there...

I did buy another light fitting, but haven't fitted it yet. It's sat on a shelf in the slightly tidier garage next to a new door-chain for the front door because on Wednesday Ethan (who is only 16 months old) worked out how to a) undo the current chain, b) open the door handle and c) go for a walk down the road.... We're now going to fit one higher up and hopefully that should keep him inside.

Of course, he's growing at a rate of about an inch per hour, so I fully expect him to bypass the new one by a week on Thursday...

Hey-ho....

Well, if Liam and I can ever arrange a weekend when we are both available, he's going to come round and help me fit some Rock Sliders. These sit along the side of the car and stop you're doors, sills and bodywork getting wrecked when manoeuvring over rocks and other broken up surfaces.

The ones I'm fitting also have tree-bars added to them. These stick out further and give 2 advantages. The first is if you ever have to get around a tree and you are likely to slide against the trunk they prevent damage to the tree (and your car) by providing a smooth surface.

The second, and far more important one, is that they act as a step for shorter people to get in :-)

I originally wrote this as an article for a magazine, but lately Liam has been far too prolific on his blog about his car exploits, and quite frankly, I'm jealous. So I'm posting this here for anyone who's interested!

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In a recent conversation on the web forums, Cannonball Bob commented that “You invested in a basic mechanics course when you bought the Disco…or were you not told that?” – and he’s not wrong either.

Now we’re quite lucky – we’ve only just bought our Disco, and so far haven’t had anything major go wrong with it. But this hasn’t stopped us taking it apart to see what goes where….and what can be changed so it goes elsewhere instead. For example, the first thing we did was to fit a new battery. The standard one had reached the end of its life, so was quickly replaced with a new Optima Red top from Famous Four.

This however set me thinking about the winch mounted at the front. As is relatively normal, it is fed by a pair of very heavy duty cables that run straight through the front grill and up to the battery terminals. The winch is therefore always ready for action and all you need to do is plug in the controller cable and away you go.

Although perfectly safe, I did start to worry about always having that much electrical power floating around at the front. What if I hit something? That’s a lot of juice going sailing into some crumpled metal. What if there’s a problem with the winch controller and I need to cut the power off fast?

Plus of course the big one – “Ooh, look what I’ve just found in the accessory list…A winch cut-out switch? I wonder if that’s a neat bit of kit.” Ellie of course sighed heavily and handed over my wallet.

I did a bit of checking around and a quick look on the forum and on the web brought up 3 options – an original Land Rover Parts kit (available from all good parts departments), build your own out of bits (at the end of the day, it’s just a big relay switch), or a Warn Kit that’s designed to do exactly what I want, but at a fraction of the price of the LR kit.

After a chat with Mark at Discoparts.com, he pointed out that the kit from Warn is almost identical to the Land Rover one and is very easy to fit. A quick swipe of the credit card later, it arrived in the post ready for fitting. In fact it is identical to the Land Rover Kit, but a couple of the wires are a different colour.

In total this job took about 2 hours to complete and I would describe it as a very easy task – we’re certainly not mechanics, but we can wield a couple of spanners, a pair of screwdrivers and a sharp Stanley knife – that’s about all you need. Oh, and an electricians crimp tool (about a fiver from Halfords for a cheap one). Although these instructions are for isolating a winch, you can use the same principles for any device that draws a lot of current – such as a fridge or caravan power circuit.

Before we started, I cheated a little and compared the instructions that came with it to those from the official LR version – after all the Warn one is for fitting the kit to any car, but even so it’s very straightforward and the instructions that come with the kit will easily get the job done. This also allowed us to match up the mismatched wiring colours properly.

We began in an organised way – laying everything we needed out and then got stuck in, and then promptly lost the instructions. A few minutes of searching later we were actually ready to get on with it.

The first step is to make sure you have the radio security code (if your radio needs one) because you will be disconnecting the battery – you really don’t want power around when you are doing any major work on a car – particularly not electrical work. It’s a great way to either end up very hurt, or with a burnt out car and a hefty insurance claim.

Lift off the battery cover and put it to one side. ALWAYS disconnect the negative terminal first and move it out of the way of the battery. Then disconnect the positive and if possible remove the battery to keep it out of harms way.

Next step is to remove the front grill so you can access the void behind. Unscrew the 3 plastic fasteners along the top edge and then tease out the plastic “nuts” they go into. Then gently lever the grill forward and lift out. On our Discovery we have a pair of plastic grills over the lights that are fastened to the grill, but we found that if you just remove the front bolts (this needs a hex key) you can gently bend them out of the way and lift the grill out.

The next step is to offer the “solenoid” (often called a “relay” – the large cylindrical object) up to its final place and mark the place the bolts will go through the metalwork with a pencil. In our case we chose the top left corner (looking from the front) adjacent to one of the horns. It’s actually easiest if one person holds it still and the other marks it. Then you will need to drill the holes through the body – it’s actually easiest to do this from above because of the bracing struts. Because the bolts are a little large, we drilled a small pilot hole first, double checked they were in the right place and then opened them out using a 7mm drill bit. Seal the metal edges with paint or a bit of instant sealant just to prevent any rust.

Now bolt the solenoid into place – we actually pushed the bolts up through the metal and put the nuts on the top, otherwise the length of the bolts fouled on the terminals and would have caused us problems later.

Now disconnect the positive (red) cable that goes from the battery to the winch at the battery end and feed the cable back down to the solenoid. On our Discovery there is a rubber strip that covers the gap between the radiator’s left edge and the bodywork and we had to remove this to gain access, but try to avoid doing this as it’s a pig to put back on later.

Slide one of the supplied large black boots over the metal eye on the end of the cable and bolt it onto the large left hand terminal on the solenoid. Then slide the boot back to cover the terminal protecting it from the weather (and mud).

Next step is to fit the short thick red link cable from the solenoid up to the battery terminal that the original cable used to be on. Slide the other large back boot over one end of the cable and then poke the other end up towards the battery. It’s best to slide some plastic sleeving over this cable because it will probably rub on the bodywork over time and this will protect the insulation (you can get 5 metres from B&Q for about £10). Bolt the cable onto the solenoid’s right hand terminal and the other end onto the battery terminal.

Slip the 2 little black boots over the ‘eye’ ends of the green and yellow cables and bolt these to the remaining 2 terminals – yellow on the right and green on the left. You can then slide the boots over the terminals to protect them. Route these cables up the protective sleeving towards the battery, then around the back of the compartment to the top right hand corner. At this point you need to bolt the green wire onto one of the earth bolts on the body and the yellow wire continues back towards the bulkhead on it’s journey to the soon-to-be dashboard mounted switch.

If you look down behind the fuse box in the engine bay you will see a large diameter black rubber tube that goes through the bulkhead. This contains almost all the wires that actually make the car go, so don’t try feeding your wire into this as you may well find that the car won’t start until a very expensive trip to the garage. Instead, very carefully cut a small hole below the main loom in the rubber boot and poke the wire through into the cabin.

The wire will come through underneath the steering wheel, so you need to open the fuse box using a large flat bladed screwdriver (also a 20 pence piece works really well) and then look behind. Gently tug the yellow wire through and rest it there. Again It helps if there are 2 of you so one person can wiggle the cable from inside the engine bay if you can’t quite see or reach it.

Now we’re on to the instrument panel – and to be honest this was the most nerve-wracking as we were dreading scratching it, but this turned out to be completely unfounded.

If you look at the bottom right hand side of the instrument cowl (below the 4 switches that control the fog lights etc.) you will see a small rectangular panel - that is where the switch will end up. If you have already used this or don’t have that space, the good news is that the kit comes with a plastic housing that you can mount to the dashboard in an unobtrusive place. If you use this, make sure you don’t put it anywhere near your knees as the edges are quite sharp!

If you are fitting it into the cowl then first you need to remove the cover that surrounds the steering column – there are 2 or 3 screws on the underside that you undo and then you can separate the 2 bits and lift them clear. Be careful of the ignition key coil as this is slightly delicate. You can then undo the 2 screws that hold the main instrument cowl in place – these are revealed when you lift off the upper steering column cover. We decided at this point that we would remove the cowl completely so we could cut the hole for the switch more easily. Carefully note which wires go to which switches – or if you’re lazy like us, just take a photo with a digital camera and refer back to it when you are putting it all back together. Tilt the instrument cowl forward and you will find it much easier to remove the plugs.

You can now remove the cowl completely and take it to a good workbench. The kitchen table is also fine (Ellie disagreed though).

Using a sharp blade, carefully cut out the erm…..cut-out and check that the switch fits – don’t push it all the way in though because it’s very hard to get back out again! This took a bit of fettling but its worth being careful – you will be spending many thousands of miles with that staring you in the face if you get it wrong!

Take the cowl back to the car and plug all the connectors back in. Then feed the yellow cable up behind the metal bar and through the new hole and connect it to pin 1 on the switch.

Hopefully you will be luckier than us at this point because just then the heavens opened (with some force) and we had to finish the job in the pouring rain – just what you want when you have half the dashboard in bits on the drive way….

You now need to connect the power supply to the switch – this is a pair of thin red and black wires that run from the fuse box under the steering wheel up to the switch. Connect the red to pin 2 of the switch and the black to pin 3. Route the wires back down alongside the yellow and then bolt the black wire to the metal frame that the fuse box is mounted to. The kit comes with a “vampire” clip to allow you to join the red wire to an existing wire that is only powered when the ignition switch is on – the trick is that you have to find one though. The feed for the cigarette lighter may be an option, but we chose to use the terminal Land Rover thoughtfully provided on the fuse panel instead.

Use the crimp tool to fit a spade connector to the end of the red wire and then plug it into the terminal just underneath the large connector on the upper right hand side of the fuse panel. This terminal is only live when the key is at position 2 so you can’t accidentally power up the winch.

You are now ready to test the interrupt, so snap the switch into place in the cowl. Check that none of the cables have fouled anywhere – particularly the heavy duty cables in the engine bay and reconnect the main car battery – positive first, then the negative.

Turn the ignition key to the position 2 and the switch should illuminate when you flick it. With the light on, your winch should now work, flick the switch the other way, the light should go out and the winch should stop working. If none of this happens, check that all the wires are firmly bolted and pushed into place – particularly the earths as these are the usual culprits.

Neatly spool up any spare length of the wire under the steering wheel and fasten it out of sight with zip ties. You can then refit the instrument panel and the steering column cover – again be careful with the Ignition key coil. Close the fuse panel, and then in the engine bay neatly fix the yellow wire out of the way of any moving parts.

To refit the radiator grill, slide it back into place and then push the 3 plastic nuts into place and screw the plastic fasteners into place. Put battery cover back on, close the bonnet, check it all still works, stand back feeling thoroughly proud and then go back inside for a lie down. Then get back up, go back outside in the pouring rain and take the keys out the ignition, lock the car and then collapse back on the sofa whilst ignoring the glares for being soaking wet.

Job Done.

After the trauma last week I hoped it would all be a little easier...but no.

• Hire Car: The hire car company said they couldn't get the car to us until after lunch as it was already on a hire, but they would valet and deliver. I agreed with them that anytime after 12:30 would be great. 10:30 I get an irate call from them wanting to know why there was no-one at the house to take the car....They then went and harassed Ellie at the local playgroup demanding she go home with them to sign for the car - she quite rightly told them they would have to wait, which annoyed them even more. Sadly I don't give a flying f**k at a rolling donut (to use a 20 year old phrase) about what they think as the agreement was quite specific.
• Hire Car Part 2: We didn't need to use the car the day it arrived, but the next day Ellie goes to drive it to the shops and find out that the no-smoking car stinks of....yes...you guessed it....stale skanky fag smoke. Great! Just what anyone wants - and you can imagine how much a 1 year old baby loves that pong too....
• Washing Machine: Part arrives a day late...didn't fix it....So online I booked the service company who book me in for the 28th of December, at a cost of £89. Ok, not ideal, tomorrow would be ideal, but that's ok, at least it's not too far. Ansa-Phone  message the next day "Hi this is <company> we can't do the 28th even though we said we would, so it will be the 2nd instead ok? At a cost of £99 ok?"  No, not ok. I understand the date - these things happen, but no an extra tenner as well? Not bloody likely.... So I call them up and explain their mistake. "Ah yes, but that's because we're updating our systems and it's probably just that the website hasn't updated yet, so it's definitely £99" - Me: "No it's not. You advertised and I booked at £89 so that's how much it will be. Ok?" Them: "I'll check with a supervisor....please hold..." so i hold for 10 minutes on a premium rate number probably costing me more than the tenner but I'm stubborn like that. "Ok yes it will be £89 but you'll have to explain to the engineer when they arrive as well". That should be fun, as I'll be at work and it will be Ellie doing it so we shall see.... Basically if they kick off then they can call me and I'll explain the lot to them. That should be fun....
• Phones: It's actually not all bad...We got 3 new digital portable phones from Currys for £39....I have nowhere to put the 3rd one, but the other 2 are in place and working very well indeed!

Well, I think I must have really upset someone in a previous life....

This week the following things have broken:

• Monday morning: went in to work to find out the alarm had gone off due to a fault with a sensor. The same sensor that's faulted several times this year already. The real sod is that the alarm company sent us a letter last week saying basically "we've shut up shop and sold your account to <insert name of big national company here>. If you have a problem, call them - and good luck". The trouble is if you call the big company then they say "yes we know OF you, and that you have a contract with someone, but we have no details so can't help yet - please call back later". DOH!
• Tuesday afternoon: Phone call from the wife - "Hi its me, I've got a bit of a problem with the car...." in the background i can hear the young one (aka son and heir) merrily chirruping away. They've gone out to play in the park and the steering has given up the ghost. Luckily they managed to get home by careful driving, but it's going to need to go to the garage in the morning.
• Wednesday morning: Tow truck arrives at 7:45am - "great" I think - we can get this sorted and done and i can have a shower and get breakfast. Nope. The truck can't pick the car up because the ramps are the wrong length - they'll have to send another truck later in the day. So someone has to stay in to wait.
• Wednesday lunchtime : Garage calls to say it could take a day, or it could be a week and half depending on if a part has to come from Germany. Hmmmm.... At least I've already checked with a hire car company that they have a suitable car i can hire for the wife for a few days.
• Wednesday lunchtime (Part 2) : Hire company has already hired out the car so we cant get one until tomorrow. On the plus side (finally!) they will deliver to the house, which is the first bit of good news all week!
• Wednesday afternoon : Phone call from wife - "Thank you for sorting the car, the bad news is that the washing machine has broken (on washing day) and won't run because (according to the "info-bubble") there is a problem with the outlet pipe"
• Wednesday evening : I take apart the washing machine and decide its probably the pump that pumps the water out, so i quickly nip online and order a replacement. Handy it's that pump, because I broke the mounting as I was 'examining' it so now it won't go back on...
• Wednesday evening (Part 2): Find out that one of the 2 wireless phones in the house is shot and won't ring. Obviously it's the one in the bedroom that still rings. So we can't hear it ringing, but it does successfully wake up the son whenever someone calls....

Lets see what Thursday brings shall we?